Okay, I have to be honest. I’ve been to gazillions of fandoms from anime/manga series, videogames, and even towards (Asian) pop culture/entertainment. I’ll also have to be honest that I occasionally dream about them (in which I find them eventual inspirations towards (fan)fic writing). But never have I dreamed so intense as how I’ve dreamed about Bretzie when I go to bed.
Lucky for me, I don’t get super-addicted that easily as pretty much my occupation/career heavily involves the internet LOL. :P But that just reminds me, I really need to get my ass down and find inspiration in how my portfolio site design is going to look like. It has to have a design that has my name all over it. Someone give me inspiration!
Anyway, going back on subject. I’ve had about four or five dreams about Bretzie, but it was more of (fan)fic-like because I wasn’t in it. It was a sweet love story being built that took place in Boracay, one of the most popular (if not the most popular) beach destinations in the Philippines (if not the world). I thought of writing an entire story about it but the dream itself ended in a cliffhanger, plus I don’t remember a lot of the details, therefore I decided to drop the idea and move on with my life hahahaha.
Last night though, even if my morning started with a heavy cause of bad vibes, I did remember that I dreamed about Bretzie again, but this was more true-to-life than the Boracay dream that I had. Often times the Kapamilya celebs would have concerts and shows around the world, especially here in the States. In addition, my area (San Francisco Bay Area) is one of the places that the Kapamilya stars would always have shows at. And because of that fact, the true-to-life dream that I had took place there and of course, it involved Bretzie in there.
Here was the setting. The Big 6 had their first international tour around the world, where they concentrated heavily on the spots where there are a lot of fans. Knowing how many people I’ve met in the Bunny Zone since I joined in, there was a heavy concentration of Bretzie fans here in the Bay Area, thus they decided to have a show here at the Oracle Center in Oakland.
The day after the show, their managers/handlers gave the Big 6 (and their families) some personal time to have a tour around the Bay Area. Bretzie (and their families), along with some key bunny explorers, to make contact with the regular globie fans who live here. It became obvious that Ate Val, Grace and myself were those three regular globie fans mentioned. We got the contact and decided we’d have a coastal road trip on the PCH from Marin County, crossing the Golden Gate Bridge, hangout at downtown SF, and then have a beachside picnic at Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk. There were pictures of us in swimsuits, pictures of us playing beach volleyball, pictures of us surfing (for some strange reason I was surfing, even if I only surfed once in my life at 18 and I was totally epic fail), pictures of us sunbathing, and even pictures of us at the rides (for some strange reason I even remembered that Enchanted Kingdom pic at Manila Bulletin with Ryan freaking out at the “pendulum”-style ride…). We even made videos too of us acting randomly wacky. There were souvenirs too, gift exchanges, and even had strangers take group pictures of us. At that time, it was fun just being ourselves and not be on showbiz mode. This is NorCal at its best after all.
Sadly it only was for one day. It was a bit sad and heartbreaking for me to say goodbye, but at the same time I had this assurance that this would not be the last time we’ll ever see each other again. In fact, we even exchanged our contact information including phone #s if we were going to call long-distance and hear each other’s voices, you know, just talking, like what best friends would do. Nothing about showbiz, nothing about other people and doing the scandalous chika-chika, just you know… just talk… from random stuff to telling each other real-life stories, just standard, everyday conversation.
That was the end of the dream. It was pretty standard. Sadly, even if it was a fun dream, sadly it’s just a dream. At first, as a new fan, that was all I was— just a fan. I didn’t expect any possible contacts with Bretzie one-on-one, just like all my other past fandoms where I sit around my own place, admiring my idols from far away and that would be the only limit that I have as a fan. I didn’t care about local fans actually getting to meet Bretzie in real life and making close contacts with them, but I did rely on the local fans to keep us global fans updated so we can be on the same page as all the other fans.
But after that dream, I just felt the need deep within that I’d love to have close contacts with both Bret and Fretzie— direct contacts— without a “bridge” between us, you know? I don’t know why and I’m still figuring it out why all of a sudden I just feel this particular need. I know it’s not addiction, otherwise I would be seriously epic fail at my real life stuff. I don’t know if anyone else felt this way before, but for me, this is like the very first time— towards a love team/pairing, of all people. I’ve had celebrity crushes on male idols in the past but I never felt that way at all.
Even until now I’m still searching for answers as to why all of a sudden, Bretzie had seriously struck me down through my heart with their arrow. I’ve noticed some fans would do pretty much anything to be noticed by Bretzie and those “VIP/Exec Bunnies”— as in anything. I also try to get attention, to be noticed, in a more respectable way but it seems I’m not being taken seriously or that I’m not cool enough to be noticed or recognized. I’ve done so many for Bretzie and the Bunnies from graphics/designing to even moderating chatroom systems and administering fanpages but at the same time I feel that I’m underappreciated (not by Bretzie, but by the Bunnies themselves in general).
I mean, how should I say this? Am I being taken for granted? Am I just gonna be known/noticed just by my skills and contributions alone? What about me as a person? Why do some people get “thank you vids” and yet those who’ve worked their asses off with their contributions don’t? I’ve never really imagined that some Bunnies have become selective and I don’t want to believe that this is a fact.
Well, here’s a more serious question. Am I just gonna be a general global fan who will be limited to what most global fans would be— just a fan admiring their idols from the distance?
Well, hopefully I’ll sleep this off tonight. So much bad vibes tonight and that is not a good thing.
Why the hell am I crying now……? :(