I haven’t been writing/blogging in here, simply because I was doing one or more of the following:
- Church choir practice
- Writing my CCS1 fanfic(s)
- Working on my other web projects. By the way, they’re both up: Stuffed Animal // Let’s Volt IN!
- Watching and getting hyped to see my Oakland A’s battling their postseason journey!
I can’t believe it’s already October. Has time gone this fast already? Or was it because I have been inactive from “personal” blogging for awhile now that I never really noticed that so much time has passed? Now I’m finding myself counting down until the day of my 37th year will finally arrive.
I was checking my FB wall and majority of my posts are all filled with friends gathering together for lunch, a night out, a pot luck, etc. I’ve gotten a few invites here and there to join but fate hasn’t allowed me to attend them because I’ve got something going on that’s important on the same day or that something of an emergency suddenly had to come up and that I had to skip the gathering to tend to those types of situations. Sometimes, FB is being a biznatch and decided to finally reveal these gathering invites on my wall the day before the actual party or even on the same day as the party itself. By the time that happens, it’s already too late.
While reading and looking through these posts, it made me wonder, rather, it made me reflect upon myself on who I really am when it comes to people in general. I’ve always thought of being sociable, as long as there’s someone to talk to, or even willing to talk to me. I’m not very good at leading conversations because I’ve always been a shy and timid person. I’ve always been like that since I was a kid, even up to high school. Maybe that’s why I never really had a “solid” set of friends during school because I seem to come off being an unsociable person. That, or maybe because I don’t “fit in” to their group. Back then, I’ve always thought of the latter, but then, that was middle school and high school. Done and over with it.
Sometimes I find myself a whole lot more comfortable meeting up with people I’ve never met in real life through internet communities because it’s easy for me to open up about myself. If I feel that way, does that make me antisocial to the people in real life?
And then there are at times where I start to think to myself of what people may think of me. A group of them just had a gathering at a weekend when I’m free and yet I’m not invited. I was beginning to think if I was simply forgotten by accident or forgotten on purpose, to the point when I start to think if I “fit in” with them or not. I know it’s silly to think about those things, but sometimes I can’t help it.
Sorry I didn’t invite you, but I don’t know you that well.
I get replies like that sometimes whenever I asked why s/he didn’t consider inviting me to their gathering also. I found myself wanting to say to them “You don’t know me well because you never gave me a chance to present myself to all of you” but at the same time I would feel like offending them if I say something like that, so out of respect, I would keep mum. Now that I’ve thought about it again, I shouldn’t always be mum about these things. If you got something to say, say it, people would say. The thing is, my shyness is what’s hindering me from saying something that comes from my heart.
Does that make me antisocial? If not, then why do I still feel like people in general are ignoring me, or (pretending) that I don’t exist to them? If it was the latter, what should I say to that?
There is one small phrase that I can say that, but nothing more:
I can only be myself.
One more thing I need to make a note of. Would anyone read this entry and actually say something in response? Million dollar question.
- Card Captor Sakura [↩]